Personal heartbreak related to authenticity and family responsibility.
It’s 2023. I’m sitting in our living room, looking one-by-one at my loved ones’ faces, I see insecurity.
I am their financial support.
They are at critical points, each of them, in their life and careers. My monthly income matters to their confidence and goals.
I will never forget their faces.
I’m in a well-set, senior leadership job in India. I’m a few months away from being granted permanent residency in Canada, and leaving.
The situation hurts too much. I feel like I’m about to fail as a contributor to my family.
𝗠𝘆 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗹𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗲𝘀 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗯𝘆 𝟭 𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗸…
to my conversation with my boss.
“Why don’t you put in your papers?”, he said. “Okay,” I said, looking away, thinking.
“I will.”
My focus returns to our living room. I’ve possibly lost track of time and I see they have left the room.
𝗜 𝘀𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆 𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.
I can inform my management, that I’m leaving for Canada at the last moment.
I can ‘buy time’.
I can draw my salary for a few more months. It will cost them time to replace me. But that would mean a disorder in the systems. No one will even notice, much less grudge me.
My loved ones can feel financially safe through their individual tough phases.
But again, that’s unprofessional.
Not me.
I don’t like to get paid for not doing much. I hate to inconvenience people. I like authentic, open communication.
I feel these two big parts of who I am.. my responsibility toward my family, and my authenticity tearing me up. “Being true to myself would be so easy if I didn’t have these responsibilities.” I think to myself.
But I’ve put in my resignation a week back.
𝟮 𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗸𝘀 𝗮𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗱𝗮𝘆..
I got the news that my PR timeline has been extended by 4 more months.
More uncertainty.
The existential questions I had to deal with were a lot to take. “I can put myself through pain because of my values, but why must I put my family through this?” Am I behaving selfishly?
It’s heartbreak that’s difficult to explain.
𝗧𝗼𝗱𝗮𝘆.
I still don’t have the answer as to whether I should have continued in my position for a few more months. But there’s something I have learned that makes me feel whole again
I’m neither bad nor good.
I’m human.
We do the best we can, praying that we don’t screw up. Then we inevitably screw up. Then we evolve by saying “sorry” to our people and “it’s o-kay” to ourselves.
Today, the most important criterion I look for in the people I bring onboard OneAnt- my startup – is authenticity.